Please Shove Your Facts Up My Ass

Facts are important.

I could end the entry right there, and I thought about doing just that. Because I had a bet going with myself that doing that would get more feedback than a typical three-page entry. I'm not one to tempt the fates I told myself. I usually wait for the spotlight to come around my way rather than force it upon myself. It seems more productive.

Now, back to the entry. Facts are important. Yes they are. The political pundits and comedians masking as political pundits are forever citing their facts. Michael "we have not been sued ... Because everything we say is true" Moore set up a "war room" on his website to combat people coming against his "facts."

I've never been one to go against factual information. I think facts are an important part of any argument. I mean, how can you argue without facts? I keep a large arsenal of 'evidence' at my disposal in the event that facts need to be brought out in the open.

But facts are now becoming cliché fodder. And it is not just Moore. And it is not just liberals. Sorry, conservatives, put your pants back on, I'm not on your side either.

Facts aren't necessarily under attack as much as they are being bastardized and 'played out.'

Facts are the new trend. If you are armed with facts you are automatically listened to.

I've been looking into a lot of these political books lately. You know, the kinds that suggest various solutions for how America should be run. On one side there's Al Franken, Michael Moore, and countless others. On the other side there's Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and the entire Fox News Channel. Somewhere in the middle is John Stossel who I envision saying things such as, "Hey. You are all fucking ridiculous. Give Me A Break!"



See!

Oh, and somewhere out back garbage picking out of the dumpster is Ralph Nader going "Hey! What about me! I made your shit safe!"

So facts. Yes. "It's A Fact!" that is all they yell. Each side cites sources, and studies. Then the other side says the sources they use are crap or biased. Then the other side comes back with even more sources, and then the other side says those are biased too!

Are you following along? Good. At the end of the day countless Footnotes, Endnotes, and probably some fucking cliff notes are involved. At the end of the day a 400-page book is 40+ pages of sources and a witty multi-page introduction expounding on the brief summary that is found on the back cover.

At the end of the day, if you read enough of this shit you end up with your pants down around your ankles and a very sore ass. I thought about trying to read Ann Coulter's Slander and Al Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars that force me to give my books really long fucking titles at the same time so I could feel the effect of a gang rape.

Then I thought about it again. Do I really need a gang rape right now? Recently mightypharaoh asked me how I know what I know about politics and when I answered I didn't mention any of these pundits.

The problem is: Everybody else would answer Pharaoh's question with "Well I read Al Franken's book. And he said Bush is bad and he cited [insert list of source material from Al Franken's footnotes, endnotes, et al]."

The truth is: These pundits pick and choose such little parts of articles, studies, and fucking news stories to argue over that at the end of the day nothing gets solved. All that is accomplished is the author gets to proclaim "See I can find facts!! FUCK YOU!" And then they will skew the facts to skewer their opponents and further their personal agendas.

Personal agendas? Yeah. These guys aren't about facts. They are about proving that their opinions are solid, because they are based in some facts. I've written research papers before where the sources and facts were an afterthought. It's not that hard to do. Expand that to an entire book and you've got your best-selling political books.

Yeah. I can find facts to. Did you know in Japan they laugh at jokes?¹ Did you know I once said that "Al Franken has big teeth"?² Well, I did god dammit! It's a fact. Look at the footnote! I HAVE A FOOTNOTE! IT MUST BE TRUE!!!!!³

The problem isn't with the facts. Sure, they've got facts. They've got them coming out of their asshole. They've got them from books, TV interviews, Newspapers, the Internet, that busybody that lives down the streets. They've got all your facts and your endnotes, footnotes, assnotes, and whatever else.

Luckily for all the fuckers with these political/comedy books out, none of their audience is going to research the facts. For any battle, simply overwhelming the opponent will win the battle, the debate, argument, cock swordfight, or whatever. . Overloading facts isn't going to help your argument with anybody who was skeptical of you in the first place. AND ESPECIALLY NOT HERE! Not in the Elimination Dept. Fuck you O'Reilly, this is the no-spin zone.

Okay. That's bullshit. This is the "Sit and Spin, Fuckhead" zone. In that I mean if I do spin something, too fucking bad. Get angry about it elsewhere.

I'm not convinced by these books. And not in that "All media lies!!!" conspiracy nut bullshit way of thinking. More in the, "Is there any non-partisan source even out there? Anyone?" sort of way. Even the big media watchdog groups are politically affiliated. It's enough to make you wanna give up hope and vote for Nader.

So that leaves me sitting here going crazy. Well not really, but more or less thinking "what a bunch of fucking shit."

On one side you've got Franken, bothered by the conservative bias in the media (he doesn't have sources to prove this. Just conjecture. The media bias is the biggest joke in any of these books). So he runs out, writes a few books, tries to start a boring radio network and here we are. You have Franken's signature half "well that doesn't sound right" dimwit-half semi-perpetuation of the "worrisome Jew" stereotype outlook. Then you have Coulter's high school bully-like name calling, borderline satirist outlook.

And, broken down by party lines you get much of the same. Hannity and O'Reilly bully guests. Colmes sits back baffled going "well that just doesn't sound right" and then Hannity interrupts him.

Now personally, for me, I employ and enjoy a much more confrontational style than most liberals. Michael Moore at least has the balls to just bother the shit out of people. Franken does have some "in your face" antics. But his are more along the line of the "worrisome Jew" personality that leaves him looking like he is performing a Woody Allen parody sketch he wrote that never got aired on Saturday Night Live.

On the other side you've got O'Reilly who tries to pretend he's middle-of-the-fence when's he almost anything but. You've got Coulter who just lives for the publicity and loves cracking wise at the expense of others. She's the "good looking, young, female conservative." Which is apparently some sort of rarity I guess. So I guess the whole persona is that she likes to fuck but she doesn't like "communist healthcare." Or something.

I think the worst part about this is, and I've said before in regards to Moore and his fucking documentaries, is that people walk away feeling they learned something. The problem is: They went into the movie agreeing with it anyway. I read Al Franken's book. Cover to fucking cover. I don't even like liberals that much, but I read the fucking book. Most people who join me in that club of Al Franken book readers knew exactly what they were getting and bought it so that they could argue better with their conservative friends at the next big social event and sound credible.

So what the fuck am I getting at?

You know. We're getting to page 3 of this thing, and I'm not even sure. This is just a long monotonous rant that I am probably going to have to reorganize in the interest of cohesiveness at some point.

Wait! I know! The truth about these books is: All they do is nit-pick already established facts from actual credible news sources. Then they offer their opinion (remember none of the people I mentioned above are necessarily academics. Hell, most of them aren't even bonafide journalists) which are supposedly very thorough and well-thought out because they are so smart and "with it" when it comes to current events.

At the end of the day you get nitpicking over sentences of books and what was meant when someone spoke in a certain tone of voice at some industry-insider luncheon. Basically, a bunch of shit no one should ever care about.

You want my advice? Go to the local Borders. Flip to the back of a few of these books, read through the end notes. Take note of the author's favorite sources. Then read those regularly. You have a better chance of getting a non-skewed perspective of what is going on in the world. Then you may even be forced to come to your own conclusions. *GASP!*

And, if you are looking for laughs. Pick up a few of them. Franken is a comedian, so his books have some satire. Coulter's crazy, and likes laughs, so she's good for that. Just don't take anything seriously. Don't actually come away thinking you've learned something grand. These people will cite one sentence from a New York Times article from 1998 and use it to legitimize 2 chapters of conjecture.

And if you are looking for that kind of stuff. You need look no further than right here, to your trusty Elimination Dept. LiveJournal.

So in the end, this was just a campaign by me to promote my LiveJournal and praise myself. If you are disgusted by this, then you now know the true purpose that these books serve. To do the same thing I just did.

Footnotes:

1. Discussion with Huko Double Prime, outside of Baby Spice's house. 10 July 2005.

2. Cloninski, Nathan. "Please Shove Your Facts Up My Ass." Elimination Dept. LiveJournal. 2 September 2005.

3. I'm not necessarily against footnotes. manzoku puts footnotes to good use and uses them to kick the ass of any opponents. I'm against these self-aggrandizing assholes using footnotes.

Love Notes:

Hey, Mrs. O'Reilly. If you're upset at your husband for trying to get some elsewhere, you can cry on my shoulder about it. I'll love you tenderly and help you get back at your husband. Holla at me!

Jerome Benton
Onstage Valet
Morris Day & The Time


On The Web:

EliminationDept.com: Get Smart - A sort of companion piece to this entry in the "Don't Be A Fucking Idiot" section.